you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
