OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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