You just made me feel so damn special
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
