So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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