If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
