So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I puked a lego.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
