I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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