Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
