I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
