yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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