there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
