i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
