Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
as a side note pls kill me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
