if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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