Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
