When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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