so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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