im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
