I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
