too bad you live with your parents still
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
