I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
