I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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