Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
