I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
