Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
