I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
