I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
