listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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