how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
