non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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