Kiss
Puke
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
