dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the condom got lost in my hair
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
