hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
