I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
being pregnant is like rehab
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
