Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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