When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
