I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize