come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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