Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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