woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
