Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
false alarm, still single
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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