he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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