I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
