I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
