I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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