I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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