If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
