defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
