so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
