Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
