walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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