Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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