Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
