I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
