I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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