this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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