I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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