i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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