He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
