Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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