I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My penis needs a shock collar
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize