rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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