Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
