Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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