you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize