Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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