hell yes lets make some ravioli
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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