There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
