So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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