I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
